His personal integrity returned… he felt it.
Yes, he felt it… like carrying a 200# ruck sack across his shoulders for days, years even, it was gone… the burden of weight had lifted, and he couldn’t just get over it, he wept until he laughed… until he had to sit down in the nearest chair and contemplate what really happened.
He’d been carrying this weight on his back since he was five years old. He had never divulged this secret to anyone, mostly… because he wasn’t aware of what personal integrity is… until he was confronted with a question that he could not just shoo away like the many others over his lifetime.
At 35 years of age, you would figure an adult would have their game together; they would know themselves inside and out. Baker thought he was “issue free.”
Seated and quiet, a smile across his face, he marveled at the way in which he found his personal integrity.
“I was asked one simple question and when I really faced it, a ball started rolling down hill and my answers just started coming forth. I couldn’t stop my brain or shut my mouth. Incident after incident kept coming and the more of my past I spewed out, the quicker I was on to the next earlier and similar incident.”
Joe, a traveling handyman/sage met Baker through an incident that never should have happened, but it did… and Baker needed a way out of trouble, which Joe would provide if… if Baker agreed to terms.
Baker was behind the wheel of his truck after having a “few-to-many.” He’d always been able to make it home from the local bar without incident, but this time was different. This time he came across the path of a man on a bike and a right-of-way that didn’t belong to Baker.
“It could have been much worse,” Joe said as he looked at his front wheel which was bent beyond repair. As Baker paced back and forth, he pleaded with Joe to not call the cops, to not report him. Joe, silent as he observed Baker, then responding… “I will drive you home in your truck. Tomorrow, you will purchase and repair my bike and you will have a one-hour conversation with me.
“And you won’t report me?” asked Baker.
“I will not report you.”
“Promise?”
Joe looked Baker in the eyes and replied… “No, I will not report you if you hold true to your word and have the conversation.”
Baker agreed and put Joe’s bike in the bed of the truck. With Joe at the wheel, they drove to Baker’s house.
Upon arrival, when Joe stepped out of the truck, he looked at the house with a strong observation… which he kept to himself. Stepping to the rear of the truck, Joe reached into the small trailer attached to his bike and pulled out his sleeping bag.
“You’re homeless?” Baker asked.
“Here are your keys. If you don’t mind, I will sleep on the porch.”
Baker didn’t ask again but instead, offered… “You can sleep on my couch if you want… I mean, I do owe you for not reporting me. It’s the least I can do.”
“The porch is fine. Thank you.”
With that small exchange, Baker went into his house while Joe rolled out his bag.
Through the screen door, Baker looked one last time; a hesitatingly, silent stare that seemed awkward. He then closed the door. As Joe lay still in his bag, the interior lights of the house went dark.
Early the next morning, when Baker exited the house, he saw Joe’s bike perched upside-down… sans one front wheel. Joe was sitting with his back up against a support post and reveling in the sun shining down on his face.
“It’s going to be a warm day.” Baker suggested. “There’s a bike shop a couple miles from here. Probably won’t be open ‘til 10-ish.”
“Good.” Joe replied, “then we’ve got an hour or so to talk.”
“So, what is it that we are going to talk about? About me drinking and driving? Nearly killing you?”
“We could start there but that wouldn’t change anything in your future.”
“Oh… so, you’re going to change my future? What… am I not going to drink anymore?”
Joe smiled, “Why do you drink? Do you know?”
Baker, thinking for a moment…”It helps me to socialize.”
“Are you sure?”
Baker thinking again, this time for a bit longer… “Yeah.”
“You’re not running from something?
Baker smiled, “I don’t run from nothin’.”
“Except your true self”
Joe caught the change of expression on Baker’s face and just before Baker was about to ask, Joe offered…
“The true self hides and uses alcohol as the means to say, “Let me be vulnerable for just a little while because it’s too hard holding up this charade. So… you give the outside world a chance to see you, but it’s not long before you hide it again.”
“Hide “it”?” Baker asked.
“It… your integrity.”
Baker couldn’t speak… he was somewhat floored while trying to understand Joe’s directness.
“Other than compromising your integrity by getting behind the wheel last night, when was the most recent time you compromised your integrity?” Joe flat-out asked.
“What do you mean?” Asked Baker.
Joe looked at him again, “When was the last time you did something you knew you shouldn’t have done, but you did it anyway?”
Baker looked away and didn’t want to answer.
“This is the talk. This is your chance to not get reported.”
Baker turned his back to Joe, “Yesterday morning. I took twenty dollars from my aunt’s purse that was sitting on the counter.”
“You didn’t ask her first?
“No. I stole it. If she were to ask about it, I would most certainly have denied knowing anything.”
“Where is your aunt?”
“She’s out of town. This is her house. I’ve been staying here a while.”
“Free rent?” Joe pried.
“I work on the place from time to time.”
Joe scanned the exterior of the house as he’d done upon exiting the truck last night.
“I can tell a lot about a person by the looks of their house. When the house is in order, so too, according to odds, is the owner. Don’t you think your aunt has enough problems than to raise a 30-something year old boy… who should be a man at this point?”
Baker dipped the bill of his cap to cover his eyes… “Ouch!”
“Can’t hide behind that cap son. I don’t need to see your eyes to read your cards.”
“So, what are we doing here? Psychoanalyzing me?”
I’m going to help you instantly step up a level to being a man.
Baker smiled as in… that’s ridiculous.
When was the next, most recent time, you compromised your integrity before taking the money from your aunt’s purse?”
Baker hesitated in thought then… “I told her that I paid for some wood to start rebuilding the shed out back. She gave me the money even though she didn’t know that I didn’t order no wood.”
Joe, observing Baker who was slumping in posture.
“Pretty interesting that a man who thinks he has no issues can’t stand straight up when he knows he’s compromised his integrity… or do you get it yet?”
Baker looked blankly at Joe, telling Joe without words that he didn’t understand.
“Tell me another time, most recent before lying to your aunt about the wood, that you compromised your personal integrity.”
Baker thought for a moment… “I told her that I had three job interviews coming up this week and that I’d be able to start paying rent soon to help her out.” Joe waited patiently for Baker… “I don’t have any job interviews.
Joe, quiet for a moment as he could see truth enveloping Baker’s mind, actions that made Baker look this way and that instead of directly at Joe… he was still hiding.
“Tell me of a similar, most recent time you compromised your personal integrity.”
With each answer coming forth, Joe repeated his question again and again. Within an hour, Baker had confessed to well over 30 lies and times he’d compromised himself, his integrity.
The hour had passed, and the conversation was still going strong. The more Baker confessed; the more weight came off his shoulders. The more he confessed, the taller he stood.
By noon, sitting right there on the front porch next to Joe, Baker jumped up ‘cause he just couldn’t sit still any longer. He’d broken a whole life-long chain of events in a matter of hours.
“Holy crap! That’s it?” Baker exclaimed. “How the hell did this one little incident with my baby-sitter at the age of five, dictate my whole life?”
“Who was she?” Joe asked.
“She was my baby-sitter. I did something wrong, and she threatened to tell my mother. She knew the wrath of my mom, so I acquiesced to her telling me to go to the bathroom and pull down my pants. I was molested by my baby-sitter because it was the lesser of two evils to face: having semi-sex with her or getting a beating from my mother for being out-of-line.”
Baker smiled and literally couldn’t sit still. He started to laugh. “That one compromise, the first lie, allowed me to lie and lie again, to compromise myself, my personal integrity, over and over.” Baker stopped moving and became overly caught up in emotion. Joe silently watched this man break himself free of a weight that had gotten heavier by the day, by the lie.
“How about we go get this wheel fixed.” Joe suggested.
As Joe headed toward the truck with his wheel, Baker wiped his eyes and faced Joe… “Thank you Joe.”
Joe grabbed Baker’s shoulder and as they headed to the truck, “You have a clean slate regarding personal integrity. There is never a reason to lie to anyone or compromise yourself again. If you fall, then quickly get back up and admit your fault… stay on track… It makes life easier.”
“Damn! Now I’m really going to have to get a job.” Baker smiled as Joe nodded in agreement.
“Joe… do I really have to stop drinking beer?”
“Drinking some beers isn’t the problem, Baker. There’s nothing wrong with drinking a few beers, but there is something wrong when using it as a cover for issues you may be trying to hide. You’ll probably start to find that the less you have to hide, the less you’ll use your vice. In your case… drinking in excess.””
The End
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For Personal Introspection…
Finding one’s integrity is really as simple as in the story. Ask the question and visit the most recent similar incident you can recall. Keep going as far back in age as you can. Your answers are within and once you find the original start of your issue… you’ll feel the rush of the release, the burden removed and the unmasking of the real you.
The character, Joe, can be found in a few of Author Jeff Scott’s books, such as, Who Will Be My Judas? and a cameo in, The Palendrone.
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